Life, and everything in it

God's Music

2010-12-11T00:16:00.000-08:00

I figured something out about me tonight. I let my emotions get the best of me too often. When I'm sad, it affects me terribly. And I am sad. I can't explain why. It happens to me sometimes.

I've always been kind of moody. Mood-swings are normal with me. They aren't violent. But when I'm down I'm down...

Sometimes being sad helps me to contemplate things. tonight, MUSIC. It' s in my head, and I don't know where it's from. I believe music is a communication on an emotional level. Like language is communication on an intellectual level. Music is the perfect emotional communicator. It actually MAKES me feel different emotions. The intensity can change with the intensity of the music. Guitar music especially, it just makes me feel warm, and full of courage. A sad melody can make me tear up. An inspiring build can raise my spirits. Acoustic music is the most basic expression of emotion.
Thanks you God for making music so we can express our emotions. Sometimes music is the only thing that gets me through.
Maybe music is the language that God speaks... But on a higher level. Somehow conveying pure emotion and power. I can't even imagine.

When the Lord speaks, stuff happens. Like when he created the universe. The SUN. It's raging, burning and giving us energy. I'd like to think of that as music. God's music. His music is strong.

All I want to do is get lost in his music. Become part of the symphony. I long even to have a part of one note of his song. I want to fit into the melody of love and righteousness.

Crashings

2010-10-18T23:18:00.000-07:00

It's the crashings in
find myself within
Here I am
Who is this man?
What will I do with myself?

I'm so afraid
to look into the past
vast ocean of memory
and find treasure buried deep
under memory's thick murk
A shining glimmer of hope

I'm going down
to find a piece of me
long forgotten
to free myself

Everything...
In its right place

I can't go long like this

Everything...
In its right place

Get me out

Everything...
In its right place

Finally I see...

Life Fly

2010-10-13T22:50:00.000-07:00

Life Fly
Fly tighly
light of the tilted toward nightly expression
bright flights of intercession
Into great expanses bite coldly
down until the sky
bleeds off excess boldly
colors burn so high

understated height
just enough to reach the torn edges of the night
further reaching so high it seems
under skyward glinting gleams
unintended race
trying but never saving face
Criss-cross dancers conscience erase

The air is a canvas
So take your place

The Word

2010-10-13T22:32:00.000-07:00

¹ In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ²He was in the beginning with God. ³ All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. ⁴ In him was life, and the life was the light of men. ⁵ The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

Interesting concept-- The Word

Jesus Christ described as The Word. A simple part of speech. A single utterance.
That Utterance is from the creator of the universe! So, of course a word from God is so much more powerful than a simple human-created word.

We also have this Idea that God IS the Word, as well as with it. So, really John is describing a part of him. The Word, as Jesus, as one part of the Godhead.
It is important that we look at Jesus as essential to Creation. That is, Creation was accomplished through him. This gives us the perspective that Creation was planned so that Jesus Christ's coming was necessary. It was planned that He would die for our sins.

Lastly, Life, described as Light, was in him. The light of Men. The light that would save us. The light that was hidden for millenia now made bright like the morning in Christ. He gave us his light so we could shine like him. He came to the Dark Earth and shined his living light all around, and the Darkness has not overcome it. Never will it overcome his light. The Darkness is weak against the light of Christ.

The Time

2010-09-20T23:20:00.001-07:00

Where has the time gone my friend?

Where has the wind taken it?
it weighs on me like an anchor
I cannot be free

These voices say I will never be free
Where is the voice that tells me
It's going to be ok?

The wind blows and reminds me of the past
and the future I have yet to see
beneath the blue sky, under the trees

I want to go away
to leave this place
never return, but where would that get me?

Still, something inside me knows there is
a place of life still waiting for me
In the End

Capture This Summer

2010-06-02T21:59:00.000-07:00

Think about it, every moment of your life passes you by.
Every second is a chance to change, to grow, to act, to react.
Some people live their lives as if the world is just a spinning top, uninvolved in the workings of their own life. Too afraid to step in and do something with it. Too lethargic to actually care.
I don't want to be like that.

Things lately have been making me very nostalgic. For example, when I returned from California yesterday, I saw the place where I live in a very new light. It felt and smelled like the summer of years ago, the golden youthful playtime of my past. I think it is just because I have lived in Texas for so long, but the summer here makes me feel like home. Young, and full of life. Back then, I had everything to look forward to. I think lately I've let myself slip into mediocrity.

My point is this. I feel like the past few years I have been watching the world go by and not experiencing it. Now, I want to change that. Every day I want to try to experience it in a new way. I want to run through places I've never run before. I want to do all the work I have to do with my whole self, full force, full passion. I want to hang out with people purposefully, with eternity in mind. I want to live.

This is my challenge to you. Get up every morning and live your day to the fullest. Don't lounge around. Don't do things that waste time. Get out and experience the world God has created and do what you can to make a difference. I think you will like what you find.

Finding the deep

2010-01-22T22:21:00.000-08:00

Finding the deep
The secrets
of the heart
within me

I am looking
for something
I knew was there
but I have lost it

It is among the weeds
of the soul
among the reeds
growing in my heart

It is pure
it knows what it is
and what it feels
and why it sings

Sings
with the trees
while they clap their hands
and shout with Joy at the beauty of the world

And this within me
cannot exist
within this decrepit shell
the man fails

There must be some way
to find it
and bring it back home
before it is too late

that elusive feeling

2010-01-08T22:14:00.000-08:00

it comes and goes like the wind
cold at times
warm at times
sweeping me with it

I wish I knew
where to find it
elusive one it is
hiding far from me

then it would not
be as good
If I could find it
all the time

I found it today
hidden between dishes
and in vinyl records
and in the picture on the wall

activity
is its friend
boredom
is an enemy

light makes it
darkness takes it
when I can't find it
food can make it

oh, where are you
you're never around
when I want you
come back and don't ever leave

Mighty

2009-12-28T21:27:00.000-08:00

A thought hit me today:

The Lord
He is Mighty
Mighty in Battle is the Lord

The Lord
He makes the nations bow before Him
Before the throne of the Lord do the nations bow

The Holy One of Israel
The Risen Lamb
He is the King of this earth and the next

the Lord is winner in the battle against Satan
He is Lord over the principalities of darkness
He will always prevail

**random aside~
[It's important to not that our battle is not against flesh and blood. The Lord is Mighty, but he doesn't want us to fight against those who are not following him.]

I Walk The World

2009-12-23T23:00:00.000-08:00

I walk the world
with feet of steel
I search the world with
heart that feels

I take the world
with fire bright
I see the world
with eyes alight

I know the world
it seems surreal
I give the world
it seems to steal

I leave the world
in dark of night
I feel the world
with all its bite

I walk the world
with feet of steel
and yet the world
makes me its meal

You See

2009-12-21T23:38:00.000-08:00

You see

my soul

and my insecurities

and you know me

beneath this tree

I hear your voice

I feel your breeze

moving me

don't take this away

your quiet

beautiful days

sun's peaceful rays

when I've nowhere to go

I can hear you

I know

feel the wind as it blows

late

2009-12-21T00:49:00.000-08:00

I stayed up late tonight [it's 3 right now] and watched lectures on note-taking and communication skills. This is not going to be a habit. I just can't seem to get my stuff done during the day. I need to schedule my time better. Don't we all.
I wrote a poem but it will stay private. I don't want to put it on here. more later.

birthday

2009-12-19T20:57:00.001-08:00

Well, my birthday was great! Last night I had an amazing time in Dallas with Eden. She got me a sweet record album of U2's "War." It is so awesome.
Then today I had breakfast with the family and opened a couple presents. Drew got me a sweet picture of like the sunset and trees and stuff. It's really big. I had to get some spray stuff to protect it. I need a very large frame in order to frame it. Daniel got me a capo for guitar, which I needed.
We ate Dickey's Barbecue this afternoon and then my Dad, Drew, and I went to see Avatar in 3D at the studio movie grill. SO AWESOME! It was totally immersive and totally worth it. I haven't seen a movie that good ever. It was really well animated and written too. The only thing is there were very political ideas in it. Oh well, the awesomeness made up for that. I recommend seeing it in 3D because it added so much dimension to it.
So, my birthday was super awesome and I will remember it forever. Thanks to all who made it happen.

Every new day
I wake up
to the sun
and the world gives me a smile

this day I woke up
and gave a smile back
because today I knew
that everything was alright

I thank God for days like these
for family and for trees
for friends of all degrees
and for all the special memories

so while beauty in the world
still smiles at me
I'm standing here so glad
that I can smile back

Today

2009-12-16T21:24:00.000-08:00

Today was awesome. But now I am dead tired.

Now I lay me down to bed
Lord be in my dreams and in my head
make me like you
and make my heart true

I surrender O God
to you and only you

Love

2009-12-15T20:58:00.000-08:00

I am really convicted lately, by reading "Searching For God Knows What," that I need to love people. To love them like Jesus did. To go directly to the marginalized and show love.

Ok, this book has affected me more than I can say. I suggest you read it. If you have read it, READ IT AGAIN!

Donald miller says things just the right way to get to my heart.

I'm gonna write a little bit creatively and then go to bed:

It's this thing inside
it seems to be alive
not making any sound
but I know it is around

It is deceitful above all things
a voice that always brings
sorrow to me
when I let it free

It makes me feel as high as a bird
when its song is heard
and it casts me away
to darkness in day

So changing
rearranging
my thoughts and desires
and it always conspires

to defeat me
and completely
steal my direction
with its affection

my heart [that is beating]

is both my hero

and my nemesis

What I Want To Do

2009-12-14T23:35:00.000-08:00

This is a non-creative post. I just want to talk about a frustration of mine. No matter how many hours are in a day, I never have time to do everything I want to do.
Here is a list of things I would do every day if there were more hours in each day:

Eat a healthy breakfast, lunch, and dinner that I cooked.
Read the bible for hours while I drink tea.
Write pages about what I read.
Read at least one other book.
Paint at least one picture.
Write and record a song.
Take photos of the beautiful world.
Spend time with all of my friends.
Take a walk by myself.
Have a spiritual conversation.
Work.
Practice drums.
Work on my studies.
Write for a long time about life, the world etc.
Go running.
Listen to music and spend time finding artists.
Read awesome blogs.
Browse pictures on Flickr.
Play guitar for hours.

I know there are tons of things I want to do every day.
It's just a challenge picking those things that are most important or helpful.
Maybe I should try one day to do as many of them as possible.

~hills of my dream~

2009-12-13T20:33:00.000-08:00

the music instills in me
a tune of life
the wind fills me
with living breath

your whispers make in me
a new voice
your melody resounds
in my mind

you can catch it
but it's hard to see
you can feel it
but it's hard to keep

I rise to dizzying hights
as I sway
like a tree
in this dome of azure

I climb a high-lit path
of gravel in these hills
of crumbling stone
where you are

feet on solid dirt
rising and falling
I'm sprinting up
on my two feet

I can feel you more than ever
in the brisk air
as in the fading light
on the tips of spires

My heart leaps
and I quicken pace
to match the setting fire
in the sky

I know I shall return
to fields of amber
before night offers it damp embrace
but there is yet awakening

The Night

2009-12-11T00:49:00.000-08:00

The Night

reminds me of you
reminds me of me
reminds me of two
reminds me of we

Oh what shall we do?
we should climb up a tree
and look at the moon
and we'll see what we'll see

when the earth turns backwards in space
all time is erased
all space is replaced
by we
by we, The Night, and the trees

Jesus.

2009-12-08T22:11:00.000-08:00

I just want to take a second and talk about Jesus. I am doing this because he has changed my life. [and my attitude, thoughts and words]

If I could describe Jesus to you, I would tell you that he is not just a concept, but a companion. He is not just a teacher, but my personal leader.

I want to be like him, and I aspire to shape my life into one that looks like his.
SACRIFICE
that's what Jesus did.
every time I think of the word I get a chill. It's such a strong emotion that It overwhelms me.

This is closely related to LOVE. [It's the strongest emotion, and the strongest action]

I want to Love Jesus.
I think we would all agree, that to love requires first knowing.
Knowing him is something that is not easy. After all, how do you get to know someone who you can't physically see or audibly hear?

_*For me, this is how it goes*_
I Talk to him. TELL HIM EVERYTHING. more than I would tell anyone. [this is something I've only started to do recently. Sometimes I write it down. It helps.]
Listen. it's hard. listen to what he is saying.
I Read his word and ask him to speak through it. [and I ask questions about it.]

*****************
I want to know you.
please show me how.
me and the trees are here on earth.
How can I know the creator of us both.
and his son.
+
I want to follow you
but my life is crowded
with nothing new
everything old
I'm clouded
by a thick fog of distraction
clear the fog
show me you
[I don't wanna be better than other people, just to follow you out of love]

>(random related aside)
now It's
christmastime
holidaycheertime
jesusbirthdaytime
~what i see is~
mallshoppingtime
buybuybuytime
materialismtime

the real meaning of Christmas is LOVE
LOVE for mankind
The LOVE of a savior who was God and man and died for the sins of us all, to return us to GOD.

2009-12-05T22:28:00.001-08:00

Be joyful in hope... There is joy in the Lord... joy comes in the morning... The fruit of the spirit is love, joy... [My prayer is that God will give me joy]

at the end of my days

2009-12-04T23:04:00.001-08:00

at times I feel
that I'm not enough
I don't think this is real
I'm not that tough

I can only look to him
my God, in whom I trust
when the lights are dim
when my life turns to rust

It happens so many times
my mind will go there
to dark places and crimes
like it's in the air

I don't know how to explain
the effects
of the pain
my mind just wrecks

I can only look one place
at one face
to one grace

to the one that made me
that gave me
hope that changed me

I will become close to him
and worship him forever

at the end of my days

Beauty. Creation. Mankind.

2009-12-02T20:12:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have been impressed by the beauty of creation. The beauty that God has placed in my life. It is a natural beauty, an original and primal one.
It is harsh, and it is gentle. [predators kill and mothers nurture]
It is huge, and it is small. [the grand canyon, and a cell's intricate workings]
It is so amazing, and yet I live in it every day. I take this world for granted. [there is a tree outside my house. I never think twice about it, I just let it stay there, unnoticed and unmeaningful to me.]
I don't want to take it for granted. I want to experience what God has made on a deeper level-
So, I want to just go, just go and explore it. I want to go out in it. I want to set forth in creation and feel the beauty. But, I feel pinned down by my own life and responsibility. I know that these things are good, however, and they are how God made me. I don't need to go galavanting and shirking God's purpose for me... but still, I need more nature in my life.

*another thought*

Sometimes I ponder how mankind is. We have jobs and families and parties and friends. We have cars and houses and pets. We need groceries and furniture and tv to make us feel like something. But, what we really need to do is look around at the beauty around, and thank God. We need to live more simply and not fill our lives will all this meaningless stuff.

Let's fix our eyes on what's important, and let's live each day in thanksgiving for the good things he has given us. Let's live each day in view of God's beauty.

2009-11-30T16:26:00.001-08:00

What does this do?

My nature is changed

2009-11-28T22:09:00.001-08:00

My nature is changed
and I realize the depth
when I rise and fall
and dwell amongst the memories

It rushes over me
like water over smooth rocks
in stream beds
by green moss

the reflection of the blue sky reminds me
of beauty
of the way my emotions swirl
when I realize what you've done

you have put waves in my way
but every current in a stream is for a reason
and I would be swept away
If not for your guiding tide

Lord, my creator
continue shape me
to your image
so that you can use me

Thanksgiving/Family

2009-11-26T23:10:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was a blast! Brotherly Jam sessions, too much food, and late night ultimate made this the best Turkey Day ever!

Family

The leaves turn
a lovely shade of red
they look down at me
shaking in the breeze

I realize this season is given to me
to enjoy those around me
to love people
to be with family

here I feel complete
in my original context
slightly skewed by time
but returned to my place

I wonder whether
my children will feel
this sensation
when life is in a new cycle

2009-11-25T23:41:00.000-08:00

#~Only You~#
************************************************

I'm gonna tell you how how I feel about God in this poem:

A rock
in the waves
the holy one
who saves

You Are all I need

A mighty warrior
to defend
a great judge
without end

You are all to me

Your mercy
is unrelenting
your power
is unending

You are everything

Your judgement
is complete
kings break
under your feet

You are all I see

Your LOVE
is so deep
so strong
makes men weep

You will ever be

Merciful father
Loving savior
Rescuing warrior
Extravagant giver
Excellent provider

The all-powerful Lord, my God

And I will worship only you

Free

2009-11-24T21:13:00.000-08:00

Tonight was amazing. We had a bunch of people in our living room to worship God in song. Everyone was so loud. It was awesome. I played Djembe til my legs couldn't hold it anymore. Then I played some more.

I was just thinking, when I am worshipping God, I feel like I am doing what I'm meant to do. I am in the presence of a being who is much bigger than I, and who created me to worship him. If I did anything less than worship him all the time, I would be falling short of that purpose. Everything I do needs to be in worship. How to do that, I'm still workin' on that. I'm just really thankful for the ability to worship.

I am also thankful that God has blessed me with so many friends who love Him. This community is so good. I think that living in community is one of the best things you can do. It keeps you real. It keeps you in perspective. It makes you accountable.

For some reason, I'm not feeling poetic.
I'm gonna do some type of picture...

Silence

2009-11-23T21:07:00.000-08:00

I can hear it...
can you?
it's the language of beauty
a unifying theme
Silence

Silence is Golden
on the hills and in the fields
Silver on the water and the mountain
Black under cover of night

The birds find it in the air
When formations take shape
and float across big skies
white clouds whispering their approval

Me, I want to stand on some hill
and wait for quiet to come to me
to share it's wealth of gold
and make me silent as a tree

((creativity...))

2009-11-22T22:56:00.000-08:00

My creativity has been subdued as of late. I feel that it is because I have been lazy. Lazy mind and lazy body.
For some reason, when I have less to do, I have less will to create. I don't know why, because I have less time when I have more to do. I don't use the time when I have it, basically.
Here is my conclusion from this thought:
I'm going to do something creative each day and I'm going to post it on this blog.
It might be lame, but it's gonna be on here.

It's late, so I will do a quick one.

::Conquered The Sky::

tonight I looked at the sky
(the friend I knew)
and wondered where he had gone
drowned by city street lamp glow
my old friend was lost
amongst towers of neon
like giant bulbs pulsing bright colors
into the heavens...

This single star I see is the exception

not the rule

have we meer men
conquered the sky
and torn beauty from the night
with our selfish hands

stop the clamour
and quiet the streets
I want to hear the stars
as they set forth their song in the firmament

2009-11-13T01:47:00.000-08:00

James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

This verse encourages me. It makes me glad to be alive. God gives everything we have to us!

Since I can't sleep right now, I'm going to make a (incomplete) list of what God has given me that I am thankful for:

guitars
the light that comes in my window in the morning
the trees
the dirt
the leaves on the ground
the sky
the clouds
smiles
people
friends
family
light
darkness
quiet
loudness
water
sugar
air
electronic devices
my ears
freedom
being a man
a cool breeze
being outside
camping
fire
the ability to draw
pens
paper
art
the ability to sing
the ability to listen
the ability to run
the ability to jump
eyes
the ability to see beauty
books
music
vinyl records
couches
really comfy chairs
the ability to work
the ability to have fun
my youth
birds
dogs
squirrels
cows
kangaroos
time
leisure
the ability to dance
movies
the ability to remember
the ability to forget
the ability to put down words in writing
the ability to read
cameras
pictures
video cameras
the opportunity to make stupid videos with friends
the opportunity to hang out with friends
opportunities to encourage people
opportunities to listen to people
opportunities to give to people
opportunities to hear from people
laughter
jokes
shared experiences
being tired
being hyper
when other people are hyper
awkward situations
funny moments
peaceful days
hectic days
sleep
the clothes I wear
the food I eat
the roof over my head
my car
my shoes
my ipod
my computer
my Bible
my microwave
my skateboard
my bed
my drums

2009-10-11T22:09:00.000-07:00

I will now write a cliche blues song:

I woke up this mornin'
got those wakin' blues.

Said I woke up in the mornin'.
got those walkin' blues.
I ain't got nothin'.
mama said I ain't nothin'.
I ain't got no money.
I ain't got no job.
I got dat old guitar.
leas' 'til I go an' get robbed.

I woke up this mornin'
I got those wakin' blues.

Rocky Start, Breakfast and Work

2009-09-29T09:50:00.000-07:00

Wow, I can't seem to remember to blog. Anyways, I am at work, and it's boring.
This morning I was awoken by the sound of my alarm, going off too early with it's far-too-loud wail, and a second time by my phone, which had fallen under my bed. When I finally got to the phone, scooting on my belly on the floor I should have swept last week, I realized I had a text from my coworker. He asked if I was on my way and I was quick to respond with, "I don't work until 11:30," which should have been the case. However, apparently I was supposed to be there at 7, due to a scheduling that happened a month ago. I had completely forgotten about it. So I scrambled to get my clothes on, throwing on my shoes as I Launched out the door to my car, where I grabbed my board and skated to over to the UC, hating the skateboard-discouraging brick pavement on campus more than ever.
After getting to work and trying to figure out confusing technical problems while still half-asleep, I was pleasantly surprised by free breakfast. Bagel, fruit, and croissant... perfection. So now I have been babysitting this event, a college board seminar and lunch, for a couple hours while talking/facebooking on the computer in the booth.
I think that other than the rocky start at 7 this morning, this is, and will be, a very good day. Tonight I get to go to WIDE AWAKE! It's gonna rock because Ben is playing with a full band. I love to worship Jesus. I'm praying that I can lead effectively in small group tonight. I realize that I can only be a good leader if Christ is controlling me, and If I tried to do it on my own I would crash into a broken mess. All to glory to Him forever. Amen

It's Been A Long Time

2009-07-13T16:42:00.000-07:00

Today was a really good day. Last night me, Janessa and Staci had an epic Jam session. We are starting a band. I can't believe I never realized how much I like to play music. I've been getting alot better at guitar. Guitar has to be my favorite instrument. I don't know, it just has the capacity to be so passionate. Being passionate is the one thing I would like to be. I want to play the guitar and be passionate.
I actually want to be passionate at everything I do. From work to recreation, I want to live at full throttle. I don't want to hold back.

Lately I've been wanting to go live with nature. Call me stupid, but I love it. Just get me a van, some beans and rice, and a blanket and stick me out there. I don't want to have to worry about stuff. No I'm not gonna go, but I want to. I hate that there are so many things to hold me back.

Listen to The Swell Season. They are so good. Also the movie ONCE.
Another band I love is Future of Forestry.

I seriously love San Diego and being here with my second family. I don't know what I will do when I have to leave.

2009-06-26T22:48:00.000-07:00

I love the mountains. Going up cowell's mountain tonight made me feel alive. I talked about all the things I hope for and all the things past and I feel better. I know God's got me. He has my life in his hands and won't let go.

Sometimes I feel like taking a journey. Where nobody knows where I'm going. Where I'm free

I think we are always working for freedom. What we work to be free from is the difference. I want to get free from reliance on my parents, to gain a freedom to do what I want. Wrong or right that's how I feel, but I work towards it by going to school and trying to become self-supporting.

I think alot of people are working to gain financial freedom. Freedom to do what they want, and not worry about the money. It's all a game, though, because just when you think you are free, you're a slave to something. It's another and another thing. Once you have all the money in the world you will want to be free of it.

I want to live in a place where I want only freedom in Christ.

Stars

2009-06-21T23:33:00.000-07:00

I looked at the stars tonight. I could barely see them but they reminded me how big the universe is and how small I am. It's hard for me to fathom a God who has created the entire everything and also cares about little me. Then I realize He is real and He cares about me no matter how small I feel. So I should remember that when I start to doubt. I want to live in light of the fact he loves me and has a plan for my life.

update from me

2009-06-20T17:31:00.000-07:00

Well, It's been more than 4 weeks since I've been here.

I've taken on alot of responsibility in the church, and i've had alot of great experiences. I think the best part of being here is the fact that there is a really cool group of college students already here and willing to hang out with us interns. We have a bible study on saturdays and hang out alot of other nights as well. We participate in homeless ministry on tuesday nights which has been an eye-opening experience for me.
I am also leading the youth group for mission trails, as well as leading some at the Del Cerro Baptist Church youth group, which has really stretched me already. I love leading it and hanging with the kids.

One thing I need prayer on is that I could begin to have purposeful relationships with people and invest in people's lives.
Also for wisdom as I manage my time, and that God would show me what to focus on and give me good ideas.

Today

2009-06-14T23:30:00.000-07:00

Today was a cool day. I got to see and hang out with my family one last time for the summer. I really liked having them around. I'm gonna miss them.

After church this morning, which went awesome by the way, we watched the medieval reenactment battles. It was Austin's birthday so his mom chilled with us. I really felt at home on the grass there at the park. Like I had a new family in addition to the old. I love this place.

Later I took a nap and read blue like jazz by donald miller and wondered about life. In the book he talks about people needing people, and I wondered whether or not I could survive without human companionship. My answer is no. I think I would die.
People need people.

Tonight we watched Mary Poppins (Brilliant Movie) at Austin's. It really makes me appreciate the fun moments in life and how structure without fun gets you nowhere. I also appreciate the music. I think music makes the world make sense.

Thinking thoughts

2009-06-14T00:35:00.000-07:00

I think about life sometimes and it scares me. Not that there's anything scary about it per se. But the nature of life is something that I cannot fully understand. And that's what scares me. People live and die mostly without purpose, and why? How can this be that the world just exists?
It comes down to the fact that if the world is on its own, we're hopeless.

But I believe in God, who is real by the way. That's what makes all the difference. With him, I don't have to be scared and lonely and anxious and wondering what will become of me. I am safe in the will of a father who knows all things and controls all things.

***

Today I was thinking about myself, how I get upset at the smallest things sometimes. I think I'm trying to control my own life still. I don't want that. I want to be controlled by the Spirit of Christ. I want so badly to love others but I get in the way. There's nothing I can do. Only God.

***

I think about the trees and it makes me smile.
And all of the world is out there all the while
Where the wind blows the grass
And the ocean waves crash
And the sun beats down on the dirt.

And I'm out there waiting
for you...

I love the sound of the leaves underneath my feet
And the look of the sand spread across the beach
when the earth grows still
I'm alone on a hill
And it's whispering softly to me.

But I'm out here waiting
for you...

I wait for you in sun
wait for you in the rain
wait for all parts of life to line up through the pain

I wait for you in the dark
I wait for you in the light
wait for all of the pieces to line up just right

And I'm in here waiting
for you...

lately

2009-06-03T21:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a typical work day, but we got to grill burgers! then we went to Austin's (he is the worship leader at mission trails) homeless ministry in el cajon. It touched me deeply. We talked to many homeless people they already knew and prayed for them. They just needed people to talk to. We also handed out sandwiches and socks and stuff which they were grateful for. This is what my status was referring to .
Today was a good day. It was the first day of the vision San Diego orientation. We went early and joined in with a bunch of NAMB missionaries to get oriented to san diego and the different projects going on. It was very helpful and kind of fun. There was this guy there that really challenged us to be in the word in order to share it. He challenged us to read the bible through this summer. It's a big challenge, but I want to do it. Anyway, tonight we went to Del Cerro baptist church, which is basically where we live, for the wed. night meeting. We got introduced to everyone and then we went to help with youth, but we just played hockey which rocked. We will be leading the youth at Del Cerro on wednesdays now I guess.
I feel like more stuff is coming together, and that I might just get on top of things before all is said and done. I know everything will work out.

San Diego Uno

2009-05-28T21:45:00.000-07:00

Well we are here in San Diego. We arrived Tuesday and have been getting oriented to the place. Sam and I have been provided with a great apartment, which is above the Church office for Mission Trails Church (This is the church plant started by John Worcester). Yesterday we did some serious moving of stuff out of what has become our office room downstairs. We found tons of cool stuff in storage here like band equipment etc. We set up responsibilities for chores and food and transportation and such, since the girls, who are staying at another house, will be using our kitchen and bathroom. We also had meetings about what's happening and just kind of general orientation. Last night we had some fun and went to a drive-in movie double feature with Terminator and Star Trek. It went too late however, and we were tired this morning. Today we did some more orientation meetings, and I got the oil changed in both Dana's and Marty's cars.(Marty is a previous intern who is leaving shortly). I was also introduced to the web/computer stuff for the church. It has been fun so far but I don't know fully what's going on yet, as in, I don't how everything works.

I am feeling both nervous and exited about my role and what is to come this summer. I am praying that God will help me meet this challenge and stretch myself. I would like to go out of my comfort zone relationally this summer, and I am praying for opportunities to do so.

Here I go

2009-04-29T22:28:00.000-07:00

am I
really in this
moment
am I alive or just taking in
this pale air

with no feeling...

here I go

setting forth into the wood
my feet embrace the inviting ground
In the air a feeling of discovery
of morning

My spirit rises to meet this
I am close to God
At these times
When I look around and forget about me

The opinions of others fade
In the midst of the flow of life
I perceive
The earth
purely

Spring Break

2009-03-23T07:22:00.000-07:00

My sprong break was awesome. I went to Amarillo on the BSM mission trip.

I learned alot about myself.
Each morning, it took a strong act of will to make myself get up and go. Working with kids all day and playing hard at night really took it out of me.
I think that working with kids really helps balance me out emotionally. I don't know why.
I also learned alot about loving people and I made alot of new or better friendships.
I feel really good now having gone.
I feel like I have a renewed purpose.
Being in a group like that really makes you feel connected and purposeful. I wouldn't have done anything else with my break.

I pray that God with preserve this feeling and attutude within me.

2009-03-04T20:20:00.001-08:00

I am a mime
so meek
rhythm and rhyme
so bleak

fall apart
fall away
what do I say

some days it's time
to speak.
not this climb
I'm weak

I forget the Love which does not part
It's the same every day.
I can't run away

Stupid not to see it
I am
not to feed it
I am

I face the morning with resolve

2009-02-15T20:16:00.000-08:00

I just wanna feel alive
sometimes
I just wanna feel something
sometimes

I find my self in this place
who do I see
when I look upon this face
is it me

The wind makes moving pictures
in the trees
and I wonder If someone is thinking
about me

Am I here for a reason
and what can I do
am I here for a season
or forever, like you

I want to feel the sun on my skin
and my feet on the dirt
I want to hold up my chin
when I'm out on the earth

Peace is a picture
of the sun
and the earth
and trees
and you
and me

2009-02-11T05:15:00.000-08:00

This morning started at six A.M.
Toast, coffee, and fruit.
What a different breakfast as I try to break my cycle of late awakenings.
This is good. I feel more alive.

I read James.
James is awesome, you should read it. I don't know who's even gonna read this, but read James 3 and 4.

2009-02-02T16:10:00.000-08:00

So it's been a really long time. I've been at school and working alot.

Today I will just post a verse That I want to live:

Luke 10:1-4
After this the Lord appointed seventy-two others and sent them two by two ahead of him to every town and place where he was about to go. He told them, "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field. 3Go! I am sending you out like lambs among wolves. Do not take a purse or bag or sandals; and do not greet anyone on the road.

2009-01-15T16:15:00.000-08:00

8-5 work
it's so boring
face

I love food and good friends
And God

Thinking

2009-01-13T20:25:00.000-08:00

Thinking about everything just makes the mind hurt. I just want to take everything one step at a time.

James 1:2-4

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Matthew 6:25-27

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

I don't want to be tied down. I don't want stuff. I just want to be available to be used by God. I just want life. I want to live it. I want to go where he sends me.

That They May Live

The Wild

2008-12-31T23:02:00.000-08:00

The Wild
"There's a big, a big hard sun, beatin' on the big people, in the big hard world."- Eddie Vedder

{ I have realized the place that I want to be is put there, discovering God's big world. I feel rapped in a small cage. I rely too much on the things of this world. What I want is to discover, and find a bigger direction. I know that big part of the picture is following what God wants, but I know there is also something within myself I have to find. Maybe I should have found it earlier, but I think I haven't.
I feel a call of the wild pulling me out. I need to find a way to realize my need for self-discovery in nature and just living life. }

Isaiah 6:3

3 And they were calling to one another:
"Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory."

Isaiah 45:18
For this is what the LORD says— he who created the heavens, he is God; he who fashioned and made the earth, he founded it; he did not create it to be empty, but formed it to be inhabited— he says: "I am the LORD, and there is no other.

2008-12-14T22:40:00.000-08:00

The break is here. I'm so happy. I don't like school, but alas it is necessary.
So here's what's happening:
1. I'm working some from now until christmas. I won't do alot of hours but at least some each day.
2. I still have to do my Christmas shopping. I don't know what I'm gonna get everyone.
3. I don't want to be lazy. so... I'm gonna use my time to:

1. Read some good nonfiction and learn about life.
2. Get into the word deeply.
3. Get ready for my epic trip to Canada.
4. Write. This is vague I know, but I'll expound later

What I am feeling right now is an urge to love people. I want Christ's love to flow through me to others. I want to know how I can do that, so I will be praying about that.

I am reading in Joshua, and I think it's interesting how the Lord was with the Israelites and helped them to defeat all the peoples of Canaan so that they could inhabit the promised land. I think it truly shows the power of God over the earth. There was one instance when he stopped the sun from moving in the sky so that Joshua could defeat his enemies! How awesome our God is, seriously!

"Now fear the LORD and serve him with all faithfulness. Throw away the gods your forefathers worshiped beyond the River and in Egypt, and serve the LORD. 15 But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."

A song for you

2008-12-03T22:01:00.000-08:00

Not knowing
Where we were going
we stepped out on
the winding road

Not caring
What we were daring
We stepped out on
The winding road

Never looking
What we were killing
We stepped out on
The winding road

Finally understanding
Where we were landing
We stepped out of
The winding road

And now I don't wanna do this alone
Out here I know
You'll be right next to me
Close my eyes it's you I see
Now I don't wanna go this alone
And now I know
You'll be my strength when I fall
When I'm on the road

Well they were fighting
And I was hiding
You stepped into
My winding road

You were seeing
When I was dealing
You stepped into
My winding road

I was falling
But you were calling
You stepped into
My winding road

Now I'm living
My life I'm giving
I stepped out on
The winding road

And now I'm not gonna do this alone
Out here I know
You'll be right next to me
Close my eyes it's you I see
Now I'm not gonna go it alone
And now I know
You'll be my strength when I fall
When I'm on the road

Cold, and things it brings

2008-12-02T21:53:00.000-08:00

Do you want to live an ordinary life, or do you want to live a life that is extraordinary, to truly live?

COLD
I've always been fascinated with the effects of cold. When it comes in, so do all the people. It's not like it's such a bad thing, but it just makes people hibernate more. You know, like they stay at home and don't wanna do anything. It has that effect on me. I mean, "I just want to eat some chocolate and go straight back, I'll go straight back to bed." - to quote Copeland. So basically today it was really cold, and while it stinks in the morning, I kinda like it. I better like it, if we are still going to make the epic trek to Canada that we are planning (That's me and Caleb).

MOOD
Another thing about this week has been my good mood. I think Thanksgiving just put my head back on straight. I really don't wanna stress about anything. I just wanna live, and live for something, and not for myself. That's God, and it has to be. No matter how much I struggle with uncertainty, it's just gotta be God. Sometimes I think about when I'm gonna start living life the way I'm meant to. I think that time is now. For me and for you.

FAITH
Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. As I don't see or feel it, I know God is there and he will work everything out for the best. I have faith in a God that is bigger than everything I can dream or ever see. My hope is in him, because he is the only thing that provides true life.

The Evermore

2008-11-23T00:49:00.000-08:00

to swing with you
on an old porch swing,
to sing with you
resounding songs of joy
that transcend language.
outpourings of feeling.

Together
like two fledgeling phoenixes.
wherever we want,
like bumblebees.

above the earth like silent watchers,
ready and poised
to enter being with a blast,
to exude living energy.

to sweep through the air and cross the sky,
and command the clouds
that tower in the firmament,
only to come down with the rain

and splash in puddles.
so soft,
but cold as ice
like the frigid air that brings exhilarating silence
when it's so cold we can see our breath.

to run on the moonlit grass in summer,
the cool blades prickling our feet
and the warm air swirling with the dance
that was written on our hearts at the beginning of time.

Or out on the earth,
conquering vast expanses of wonder,
discovering beautiful intricacies of being
and imparting upon life our hearts
that are beating.

This essence that fills our veins!
no one can take it away.
meet the boundless potential.
Drink in the day!

the evermore lies waiting.
no use staying only for life to arrive, and late.
no, we will meet it with a smile,
then challenge it to a neverending game of tag

God's green earth is out there,
He will show us the way.
we have many things to do and words to say.
To climb to new heights,
to live, to breathe.

not knowing where you are,
Here I am waiting
to begin the journey,
live life, and breathe

YES

2008-11-17T13:36:00.000-08:00

I just registered for classes! I'm not working today, because I had to register. I'm feeling like taking an epic journey. Canada! That would be sweet. I'ma see if I can get people to go.

Meanwhile I think I'm going to start a recording project. I found my mics and I'm inspired. The painting can wait. I dunno when I can start it though. I'll make time.

I'm like so ready for school to be over! Oh I have to study for my test today. I hope I don't fail this time.

Of the journey, and of creation

2008-11-12T22:04:00.000-08:00

So life right now consists of class, work, minister, study, and the occasional hang-out (or ice-skating like tonight, which was fun but my feet hurt). AH finals are coming! AH I still have tests before that! It's ok, I'll get through it.

I am beginning to put it together. Life, that is. I don't know if it's just what I'm feeling right now, but I am seeing the Journey that makes up the life of every person that God has created. My journey, I feel, is headed in the right direction. I believe God has made it so. I can't imagine a world without purpose, his purpose.

In this stage of my journey, I am learning to learn. I know it is cliche but right now I am setting up what will become my life style and making habits for life. What I want to do is create habits that push me to success, like studying hard and building my social network and living each day to the fullest. But as I said, I am learning to learn, so it is not as easy as I have previously thought.

I am intrigued by God's green earth as of late. Every element of nature I see makes me feel a sense of wonder and amazement at the world He has created. I want to see stars. There are none to see here in the cityglow. I would that this journey take me to where I can enjoy the stars, but then, it's not up to me is it.

If I am stuck in the city forever, so be it.

I have the urge to be creative, to reflect God's creation in my own way. I want to paint, to write, to create. Even to sing.

Maybe my journey is not going where I know. Maybe it's leading me to create more than to work in a boring role. I wish I could know His plan. Not my will but his be done.

But, I think i cannot resist to create. I will, I will. Give me a paint brush, a microphone, a camera, a pen. The contents of my mind need an escape. Perhaps that is why I write here.

I am thinking my first work will be a painting. I am no good at it, but who's looking anyway?
I digress. I hope this journey leads somewhere I will like. For fear of a wasted life.

Random thoughts- or are they?

2008-11-06T21:56:00.000-08:00

Adventures
I like adventures. I read this story for English today called "Big Two-Hearted River" by Ernest Hemingway. It's a really simple story about a guy going fishing but it makes me wanna go like, camp or hike or something. The problem is that I'm stuck in a concrete world with plastic trees. Oh well, I can have adventures here too I guess.

I can't wait til I get payed! Then I get to implement my new budget. hurray. Now I can eat.

Various things
Class today went well, and I set up a time to meet with my teacher about the class I'm not doing well in. It's tomorrow. I hope I can figure out what I'm doing wrong so I can pass the class.
I went to Japanese class again today, which was fun. I have trouble remembering what I learn though. I guess I need to study it, which I don't really have time to do. We are planning a Japanese party on the 15th at BSM. Well international night was equally as fun, because I played BS with Koreans and a Chinese guy. It was hilarious.

I'm reading John again...

"Destroy this temple, and I will raise it again in three days."- Jesus in John 2 has such zeal for the house of the Lord that he clears the temple of all money-changers and animal sellers. He then says this famous quote prophecying his future death and resurrection. What a perfect reminder of how He is God and he knows all things!

"I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again.' The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."
What does is mean to be born of the Spirit? I believe it is a new spiritual life through salvation by grace through faith in Jesus Christ. I am thinking again about what impact on my life this is... what does it mean for me? The fact that I am reborn means that I am filled with the spirit, which does whatever it pleases and leads where God decides.
From the Spirit, I am compelled to follow Christ with my whole life, and this includes sharing his love with those around me. Every day I must lay my life down for the sake of the Gospel.

2008-11-03T20:35:00.000-08:00

Random stuff about today
I had two tests today. I think I did well. I hope I did well. I studied pretty hard this time.
I also worked from 12:00 to 5:30 with no lunch (except some ramen a coworker gave me). I had no money. Oh well, I guess I learned my lesson with my budget this month. (By the way I have a new budget that will hopefully help me to have money to like, eat, and stuff.) But seriously Don't waste your money. It stinks in the long run. Also food costs alot.

John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
This verse is really helping me right now. I have restructured my life in such a way that I can make good grades. The only problem is that I am still stressed out. These words of Jesus are comforting and just what I need right now.

Family
I have recently rediscovered the value of family. Family is a huge comfort to me. My family makes me a better person.
I love my family, but I think that this can apply not only to immediate families but to the family of God. We are called to Love each other in Christ and to spur one another on to love and good deeds.

question of the day:
What does it mean to be fully committed?
To what? to anything. What does it take?
and secondly, is it worth it? why?

2008-10-28T09:51:00.000-07:00

ASK
"Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete." I was just thinking about these words of Jesus. How many times do I not ask just because I don't have faith? It's not hard to ask. It is however a humbling experience. Just ask and you WILL recieve.

Take Heart
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." He is bigger than anything I face. All I need to do is trust. Take Heart, because he has OVERCOME the world!

Stress
I'm really stressed because of school and work and finances. AAHH I need to study, but i need to work, but I need to be involved at Church and BSM! I know it'll be ok but it's like AAHH.

I have come to the decision that I will study by hardest. "Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." I want to do that.

Watashi Wa

2008-10-23T22:06:00.000-07:00

What is life?
I am thinking a lot right now about my life. I feel kind of down. This feeling is caused by the fact that I am not doing so well in one of my classes. I am asking myself what my goals are and what my priorities should be. I'm asking hard questions about my life. I think my life needs a major change. I will contemplate this over the next few days.

On a Lighter Note
I'm continuing to study Japanese. It's awesome and I am doing well. I hung out with Japanese students today, when I went to Japanese class and BSM International night. They are fun and I learned some awesome stuff about Japan and my Japanese friends. I just love Japanese.

Happiness
Happiness isn't what it seems. I think that it's a choice really. I have to make an effort to avoid emotional sinking. I just wanna listen to music and be. Be. Not angry or sad, just carefree and chill. I know it's an ideal and irresponsible. So what. Just be.

Indescribable Fall

2008-10-22T17:38:00.000-07:00

I'm Blogging
I have decided to start blogging about my life, and everything in it. Hence the title. My URL refers to the fact that Jesus Christ died "that they may live". I want this to be a kind of motto for my life. I want others to come to know Christ and I want to share him with them.

Fall Comes At Last!
I cannot help but feeling a sense of joy as the weather grows colder. It's a like a warm feeling inside me. It may seem like a paradox, but it is true. I love Fall, but Winter is my favorite. I am beginning to feel a kind of nostalgia for all those past winters spent with my family and friends. I want this season to be even better than the last.

Indescribable, Uncontainable
Tonight is the indescribable party. It's an outreach event at which we will watch a video explaining how the stars give Glory to God the Creator and to Jesus. I love the fact that God's Glory is displayed in the heaven's for us to see! There is nothing more amazing than looking at His universe.

You are my Sunshine
I have been listening to Copeland's new album "You Are my Sunshine." It's amazing. I love Copeland. They make me feel even more wintry, because when their last album came out, I listened to it all winter long. This album is another step in the evolution of the band, and it is a good one. I just want to keep listening, and indeed I shall.